"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you"
Record of August 2016-May 2017
Written by DK
Journals consist of honest feelings and untold stories left behind of all things
August of Ambiguity
I remember the day I arrived at St.Louis. Rainy and humid weather of the Summer of St. Louis welcomed me. I have already been in St. Louis once in 2014, but it still felt like new and strange. My airplane had been delayed, so there was nobody to pick me up in STL airport even thoguh I requested for pick up. Carrying my bagpack and an American Tourist suitcase, I got on a big airport taxi to get to SLU. That taxi was quite expensive, and also I had to pay tips. Driving through highways, I took a look of city of St. Louis. As I saw the sign of Saint Louis University, I had felt that new days were coming. When I got to SLU, I had hard time finding Marguerite Hall. I wandered around West Pine about 20 minutes, and I was able to find Marg with help of DPS. Plain white walls, half-broken light bulbs, old furniture..... the term 'old dorm' perfectly described Marg. When I got on 6th floor, there was pretty empty. I had to come earlier than other freshmen due to the orientation for international students. I met our RA Tommy and peer mentor Nina. One of the international Ambassadors gave me a simple tour of SLU campus. Orientation was just boring like a typical one. Due to jet lag, I went bed at like 5 p.m. and got up at 3 a.m. I was starving, but I didn’t know where to get food. I had to suffer from hunger for a while.
Picture of St.Francis Church in Saint Louis University. I and my friends usually go to 9 p.m. student mass on Sundays[
Meeting Sophomore Mentors
Before all the freshmen came, I got a chance to meet couple sophomore mentors: Andrew, Jason, John, Daniel, Ryan and Stephanie. I already knew Stephanie because she reached out to me on Facebook during the summer. They all seemed like cool people. One thing impressed me was some sophomores were playing the spike ball in the rain.
Joey and Lauryn, and Alena
Joey was my roommate, and Lauryn is his girlfriend. Everyone who knows him describes him as “the cool guy”. It’s impressive that he has significantly good reputation around people. Some Micah people don’t like Lauryn, but I think she’s a nice person. I hoped they would be able to understand each other someday. Alena is a friend of Lauryn and Joey, and also she is a good friend of mine now. I always appreciate her that she’s always nice to me and trying to talk to me. Not a lot of people can do that.
I joined Micah which is one of the learning communities and service learning community. I wasn't really into either social justice or service, but I wanted live with good and mild people. Of course, it was awkward to meet them at first. Micah was dominantly white "privileged" (they referred themselves privileged) community, but that fact didn't really bother me at first.
Picture of Micah Class of 2020 from ice cream social in August 2016 . Nobody knew how's going to be at this time. Joey Wenzl is quite impressive in this picture.
It was on Friday. Nina gathered people up for an activity: Cobs and Robbers. I thought it was funny that they are all college students, and they were trying to play Cobs and Robbers. Last time I played it was when I was 10 year-old. I didn’t say that it was childish because I accepted that’s how it is in Micah. The game itself was fun. At that night, I got to know Scott. When he saw me, he said like “Dude!!! What’s up!!” with his loud voice. I thought he knew me at first. Scott is that kind of human being. He’s energetic, and he is always willing to talk/listen to other people.
Picture of my Small Group[/caption]
Sophie and I talked a little bit through Facebook during summer. Since she went to St.Mary high school which is related Subiaco Academy in Arkansas, we shared somewhat common properties. She asked to come to her high school graduation, but I already graduated and was staying in Korea at that time. She's nice and sweet to everyone people around her, and she spreads her love around SLU. I wondered how a person can be that nice to everyone. She usually provides a cup of tea with snacks when I visit her room.
Separated Sense, September
New days, new life, new people, and new environments. such things that I wasn't familiar yet passed by quickly. I didn't try to be involved at first. I felt like they didn't know how to act to me. They were nice to me, but it couldn't open my mind to them. I didn't necessarily try to get along with everyone because I believed time would solve it, and I didn't want to show myself off. It was kind of my humble "strategy" which completely failed.
October and Octave
I didn’t do anything special.
Already Half Way, Midterm
I had basically 2 midterm tests for fall 2016 semester which aren’t bad at all. Calculus I and Engineering Chemistry. I felt confident about those tests because I took AP Calc BC and AP Chem which I got 98% in high school. Calc wasn’t bad at all, but that chem test was tricky. It wasn’t hard material, but test problems had some traps, so I ended up with B- for chem midterm grade. I spent most of my time studying in Pius first floor even though the first floor was kind of loud, but it didn’t bother me at all.
My parents and older sister visited St.Louis in late October during weekends. My sister is currently attending Texas Tech in Lubbock, Texas, and my parents are staying in South Korea. Since it was national holidays like Thanksgiving break in Korea, they spared their time to visit me. They said they felt sorry that I had to go to St.Louis by myself in August although I didn’t feel any burden of coming to SLU by myself. I could get some stuff from Target and some Korean food that they bought in H-mart in Chicago, and mostly importantly, they brought my guitar. We traveled downtown of St.Louis for weekends, and they left to Korea on the following Monday.
November Forever
Learning Communities went trips to the city museum. It was just a play ground with bunch of slides and climbing things. I felt I was too old to enjoy that kind of stuff. My knees hurt a lot. On the way back to Marg, I got to know Angelica, Sandy, and Sofia. They are usually together. They are always active and nice to everyone. I appreciated their energies.
November began. November always has been a special month in my life. It's nearly end of the year, and Thanksgiving break is nice. The last day of November, 30th is my birthday and the celebration date of St.Andrew. In November 2016, there was a Micah retreat. Before it, I had heard a lot of things about this retreat. The common things they mentioned were everyone gets close after retreat. I didn't believe it. A big bus, people waiting up in lines, bagpack packed up with clothes, pillows and blankets, and faces with excitement reminded my elementary school's field trip. It was kind of funny I had forgotten that feeling of enticement for a long time. Finally we got on the bus, and I sat by Hans. However seat was arranged, I ended up seating by Sophie. I understand they made us change seats because this retreat was designed to get to know people that we did't know well, but the funny thing was I was already close with Sophie and I didn't know much about Hans. As we move on, we did answering questions activities. Questions were religious, personal, deep, and" typical Micah" questions. As it got dark outside, we arrived the place that I don't remember its name. It was typical retreat place, but buildings were fancy. My assigned roommate was Erick. We gathered at the barn and did some kind of activities that didn't impress me.
Picture of us waiting for buses. Most people were excited for Micah Retreat.
Just like typical Micah, we split up as small groups which were different from original small group. My group had Ben, Sydney, Madeline, Julia (Nouse), Mary, group leaders as Cailin and Andrew (Marino). Madeline and Mary were only people I have talked to, and I had never seen Ben until that moment. Small group activities consisted sharing personal experiences, and I talked about what I felt and how I felt over these past few months. I didn't really have close friends and I knew a lot of people felt the same. Once my sister told me. She said that she usually hang out with Asian or Asian American friends because that's how it works and college is different from high school where different kind of people could live as "one community". I already knew it, but I wanted to prove I still can do it and be "one of them". It wasn't that easy.
Mary has been a good friend since beginning of the school year. She often listens to my concerns. I feel bad for just saying my concerns and complains all the time. She respects me, and she's one of few friends who I can trust.
I didn't know Ben until this retreat. I tired to get to know all 5th floor people, but it didn't work. He's really religious and thoughtful. I often a lot of bad things about Ben, but I tired to see his good side. However, I wanted him to know that once he abandons people, not always he gets a second chance.
Sydney became my friend during retreat. She actively tired to talk to me, and I really appreciate to her kindness which I needed instead of sympathy. She still talks to me when she sees me.
I didn't really talk to Julia during retreat, but I became close (maybe) to her after retreat. I like how she smile which is a little bit awkwardly exaggerated smile. She's cool.
Picture of me, Sydney, and Mary from Micah Thanksgiving.
Picture of Kate and me in the student mass in the St. Francis Catholic Church
Retreat#3: Madeline's Kindness
Getting to know Madeline was the most precious experience in the retreat. I already knew Madeline before retreat. Inspiring thing was that she is a big fan of Oasis. IMadeline was in my retreat small group. I talked to her through out some activities. I remember she told me that she likes my smile. That made me glad. The peak was staring eyes kind of activities. The instructor told us to pair up with a partner, and Madeline came to be my partner. Since we did that activity in a circle and rotated, first partner didn't really matter, but the fact that someone cared about me made me and that someone was Madeline made happy. It might be minor action for Madeline, but it definitely affected me crucially. Throughout the activity, I laughed a lot, but it wasn't because of awkwardness of stating someone's eyes. Just staring someone's eyes itself was powerful and moving. Staring her eyes, I felt something I couldn't explain in words. I felt comfort and I could be able to forgive everything that I was mad at. Mostly, I was mad at myself that I didn't try anything hard since I came to SLU. This Micah retreat gave courage me to start over. As I was afraid of human relationship in Micah: drama I didn't desire, gossips that I hated, and fake kindness that I was sick of, I appreciate Madeline that I realized what really matters to me. After the retreat, everything came back to normal and daily life, but it didn't change that she is the person that I trust and care. I hope it won't change.
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Several outdoor activities were prepared. They basically required cooperation of people, and it was good way to get close to people. Labyrinth was an interesting activity. I followed the path drawn on a big-plastic paper(?). Labyrinth led people to the inside part, then outside, then to the center again.I can't describe it, but I felt a lot of things Nature walk was calm and peaceful. We stopped to sit and watch the pond there. Some people took off their socks and shoes, but I didn't. Nature walk reminded me the book Siddhartha which is about a guy, Siddhartha seeking for an enlightenment. He does a lot of big things, but he doesn't find an answer. At the end, he reaches enlightenment by listening to the river and nature. What I felt was that you can find great values or understand from common and small things around you, and that's contradictory from my current life:Private catholic boarding school and private Jesuit college. They are expensive and fancy, and I learned a lot from them. However, I might be able to learn greater things in small things like Siddhartha did. Some sophomores gave us speeches. Among them, Jason's speech especially inspired me. He talked about when his grandfather passes away, and how his friends helped and supported Jason. It was a moment that I could feel what is a friend about and how precious it is.
Playing signs was one of the greatest experiences in retreat. We played that game until about 3 o'clock in the morning. We still play signs when perspective students visit Micah. "We do this for the kids".
I liked bonfire. Sitting down and staring at fire gives me comfortable feeling. Ryan, Matt, and some people played guitar and we all sang together.
Retreat#6: Back to School
On the way back, a lot of people fell asleep in the bus. Cailin took photos of sleeping faces, but I stayed awake because I already knew she was gonna do it. After coming back from retreat, I tried to get to know everyone better. I kind of stopped playing video games, and I visited people's rooms more often.
Thanksgiving Break and Stephanie
By the time when November was nearly end, thanksgiving break came. I didn't have a specific plan for spring break. When I was in high school, I visited my friend's house couple times, but this time, I wanted stay in Marg and enjoy peace. Meanwhile, Stephanie invited me for Thanksgiving dinner. Since her families are Korean Americans, I was able to eat Korean food there. There was a really active dog 'Coco' in her house. I met Step's sister Ariana who attends Missouri S&T. For dinner, we headed to Stephanie's aunt house. As we arrived, one girl welcomed me with saying "There is a dude". While I was staying there for dinner, I was surprised that how much Stephanie can eat. She eats a lot. Stephanie's mom gave me some mashed potato when I headed back to Marg. I put it in the refrigerator, but it was all gone when everyone came back from break. During break, I decorated 6th floor lounge mainly because I was bored. Before Sydney left for the break, she took me and Elise to Michael's, so we were able to buy what we needed for decorations. I worked on decoration about 3 hours everyday during break, and I was able to finish it before everyone came back. Later, Gabe brought his Christmas tree which enhanced decoration of the lounge. I made snowmen for everyone. They all have different faces. I tried to apply each one's feature to snowman's face, but it didn't work except for Emelia and Sarah (Koepsell).
Picture of me and Stephanie from Micah Thanksgiving[
What I realized over Thanksgiving break was Nick (Sokolis) and Margaret have been dating. I didn't know until Stephanie told me. It seems they're pretty independent and respectful to each other unlike some couples who just always stick together. I thought , if I date someone someday, I want to be like them. Nick likes to play a video game 'Smash' on his old Gameboy counsel connected to an old and noisy CRT TV. He's serious about it, and I understand it because I'm into video games too.
December Felt Like Decades
Basketball games, Amy, and Emelia
I tried to go to SLU's home basketball games if possible, and I can clearly say I have went to most of men's home basketball games because simply I was kind of bored, and I like sports. Watching sports directly through eyes and watching on TV are totally different.
Amy is a dramatic human being who usually exaggerates her feeling. She isn't really active in broad human relationship, but people has trust on her. When's she in in conversation, she becomes active along with dynamic body language/motion. She plays in Pep band, and she often said how much she doesn't like walking back alone to Marg when it's dark. So I tried to walk back with her. Sometimes she didn't stop talking, but sometimes she was really quiet. Amy is a person who is always willing to help other people, However once she mentioned that she wants to be independent, and she doesn't like when she gets help other people. I could understand it, but I wanted to her to say to me like "Thank you for your effort" or "Thank you for caring" even though it didn't really happen. She's still nice person and has a warm heart, but I wanted my friends to depend on me sometimes.
Emelia is in the SLU dance team 'Sensation'. They dance in basketball games. Emelia didn't notice me among crowds, but she finally saw me for last two games. According to her, I am her "loyal fan". Emelia has an identical way of using eye-liner. I sometimes think she really doesn't feel anything emotional, but she's still nice to other people. She's cool.
SLU dance team 'Sensation'[/caption]
Everyone Struggles With Own Problems
I kind of missed drinking alcohols. I don't like the taste itself, but I enjoy the mood and people getting drunk. During December, I got some chances to drink with people. It was one of those nights. Andrew (Arraj), Joseph (Shook), Sarah (Lallky), Nat, Kat, and Mary were drinking in Kat's room. They had some issues, so Joseph and Andrew came to my room. Andrew talked about he doesn't feel anything about Sarah and he doesn't want to do anything. Now they are dating, but Andrew couldn't make up his mind at that time. He said he felt like he's a bad person because he couldn't embrace Sarah. At that time I talked about light and shadow. If there is light, there should be shadow. As light becomes brighter, shadow gets deeper and darker. I said you're bright light and also you have darker shadow in your heart. Don't let your shadow judge while you're also bright light. What you are feeling now may feel like your everything of your life, but this shall to pass by like a page of a book because this is a page of your life.
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Picture of Andrew and Joseph from Micah Formal in May 2017
Toward The End Of The Semester, Final
For final, I had to prepare for only two classes: Calculus and Chemistry. Rest of my classes didn't have finals or I had to do final presentation which wasn't stressful. I spent most of my time in mug to study. For study break, I often visited Michael and Andy's room. Micheal is a guy who likes sports. He's more into watching sports: Football, Basketball, and Hockey. He knows a lot of information about those sports, and he's good talker. Andy is a guy who's willing to help other people, and he likes to make people laugh. He's a quite sentimental human being
Every Tuesday, there is 'Bible Study session' 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. in Marg chapel. At first, I thought some priest was gonna come and give us a lecture about Bible. I went to the Bible Study at the first time during final's week. It consists of sharing of moment that we feel God in our life, reading bible verses from Gospels, and sharing and discussing thoughts. It was pretty informal and chill. It was mainly lead by Jon. He's in my Micah small group. Also he's D1 Athlete in Track . Jon has a lot of friends around him, and he's always trying talk to people when he walks by them. Bible Study is mainly led by Jon. Olivia, Rachel (Stickles or 'Sticks'), Elise, Amy, Jeffery, Mary, and Daria are usual members. We often talk about off-topic, but I also enjoy it. Sometimes we get to hear people's cool experiences or stories.
Winter break in college is much longer than one in high school. During winter break, I went to Korea where my family lives and I used to live. Since my family moved to another city, I didn't get to see my old friends a lot. They have been my friends since middle school and elementary school, and we used to play in a band in my middle school. We still contact and gather up every summer and winter. Even though now we are all scattered around the world, we are still best friends. My family visited Hokkaido, Northern island of Japan. We went skiing and traveled the city. I have already been there, so it wasn't really new. Winter break overall was calm and peaceful overall unlike Marg. I thought I was going to miss friends in SLU like hell, but I didn't. I didn't really feel much longing. It was time that I realized who actually I was and how I have lived through out past four and half years. I built solid brotherhood, but I never really cared about individuals to understand deeply each of them. I got to know a lot of people, but I never became special being or the best friend of someone. I felt people's kindness, but I felt sympathy at the same time. Some people said they like me, but I knew it doesn't mean anything to me. However, those things didn't really bother to me.
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Picture of me when I visited Hodkaido, Japan during Winter Break
Jokes on January
I bought couple gifts over winter break for friends. I bought small stuffed animals for small group members, ROYCE chocolate which I bought in Japan for Sophie, an oriental painting for Stephanie, and some alcohol beverages for Nick and Evan. There are people who I felt thankful and who I owed. There were some extra gifts that I bought just in case. The fact was one of them was a mug cup which is fairly expensive and fancy. I thought I had be careful when I gift someone because someone else who didn't get one may feel bad or being left behind. I can't deny there are certain people who I like more than others, but I have tried my best to treat everyone equally. I decided to give it to Sarah (Koepsell). Sarah is an interesting person.
Jenna is from Boulder, Colorado, and it was remarkable feature because I have been there in Summer 2013. She is very dryly and cynically humorous human being. Her laugh is very identical. She seemed very indifferent to other people at first, but she cares about people around her. One time, I walked to Simon Rec to work out with Jenna, Brenna, Madeline, and Tori by chance. Apparently, Jenna forgot to bring her ID card, and she had to walk back to Marg by herself. I didn't think about walking back with her, but they mentioned about a person kidnapped around SLU, and I escorted Jenna to Marg. Looking back right now, I think I was unnecessarily nosy to girls. One the way back, Jenna and I talked, and we decided to get coffee sometime. It took some time until we actually got coffee. She had to put off meeting couple times, and we decided to get coffee in Starbucks on Sunday 4 p.m. She was kind of late, but I expected it, so it didn't really matter. I could understand why she had put off meeting me. Prioritizing matters, but I felt bitter taste of feeling . We talked for a long time, and she said we should do it like every week. Even though I knew it's not gonna happen every week, but I was still glad.
Picture of Jenna getting coffee in Starbucks
As second semester starts, I started to take more classes with people who have same or similar majors which are related to engineering. The reason why I picked Mechanical Engineering is simple. Engineering is broad and applied to everything in this world. Since I don't know where and how I am going to live in the future, I decided to study what I can use every where in this world. Among engineering majors, Mechanical Engineering is really broad, and can be used in various fields. I think Mechanical Engineering is basic physics laws of how thing work and applying its theory to practical uses. There are some engineering students in freshman Micah, and we usually work together in the 6th floor lounge.
Picture of 6M lounge after eveyone left for Summer Break
Joseph is also majoring Mechanical Engineering, and he has very similar schedules as I do. Joseph is from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and he hangs out with Andrew and Sarah a lot. He's close with some Engineering LC people. We have same Physics I, Physics Lab, CREO classes.
Nick (Sokolis) is majoring Civil Engineering , and we both have Redmount's Physics. He often plays Smash as "Study Break"
Elise's major was undecided, but now she's majoring Civil Engineering. We have same a Calculus II calculus class. Elise is strong and independent human being. She usually work with Jon since they have same Physics I class. She cares about people around her and also takes care of them sometimes. I appreciate her effort.
Jon is majoring Aerospace Engineering. We take same Calculus II and CERO classes.
Jeffery is majoring Aerospace Engineering. We take same the Physics class. Jeffery is brilliant human being. He's thoughtful, but sometimes he thinks too much or over think. He's righteous and just human being, but he's not flexible about things. Micah people have a lot of respect toward Jeffery, but some of them are indifferent to him at the same time.
Erick is majoring Mechanical Engineering. We have a same CREO class. Since he's usually with his girlfriend, I don't really have a chance to see him around Marg. He also plays the guitar.
Evan is majoring Mechanical Engineering. Evan is nice to everyone and a typical funny "gentleman". We have a same Physics I class.
Thomas is not in Micah, but he takes same classes with Joseph, Nick and me. He lives in Spring Hall. He plays League of Legends, and he's a funny guy. He's majoring Civil Engineering.
February of the Fabulous
The life was pretty repetitive. On Monday-Tuesday I usually worked on Physics lab reports, Wednesday was long day since I have service and Physics lab, and I worked on Creo and Calculus. During Thursday-Friday, I usually rested. Starting Saturday, I worked on Physics homework. During Physics tests periods, I didn't have any free time during the whole week. I felt like every thing was more settled. I stayed busier and more productive than I did in first semester, and time went by really fast.
One time, Dana, Stephanie (Portanova), and I ran to the Arch. They didn't ask me, but I asked them if I can join them. Dana and Step are both in Micah Women's community, so I didn't really have a chance to talk to them. I already knew Dana because I met her one time in front of CGC. Joe and Sam were eating lunch and talking with Dana, and I stopped by them to say hi. Dana referred herself as a "runner" when she introduced herself (Maybe it was Joe or Sam who said that. I don't remember exactly). I saw her in the gym pretty often. Running to the Arch was pretty fun. I don't enjoy running much, but it's always meaningful if I do with friends. Few days later, Dana asked me if I want to run to the forest park. Since it was me and Dana, we ran in faster pace. We were able to get to the forest park about in 10 minutes. When we got there, we went to the pond near by there and sat down on the bench. We talked a little bit. Since I wasn't really close with Dana, I hardly came up with topics. It was really peaceful and calm. There was some silence between us, but it wasn't awkward (at least for me). We ran back to Marg after a short break.
Picture of me, Dana, and Stephanie at the Arch
Mardi Gras refers to "Fat Tuesday", and it's celebrating before Lent starts. There was the second largest Mardi Gras parade in St. Louis, and I have a chance to go there. I asked Scott, but he was sick, so he couldn't go. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go by myself. At the same time, I didn't want join random groups which didn't invite me. However, Crystal asked if I want to go to the "pre-game" with them, and there was no reason for me to refuse it. I woke up at like 7 am for pre-game, but it didn't start until like 8 in the morning. I went to Nick (Sokolis)'s room, and took couple shots. Since they were pure vodkas, I couldn't stay sober. Then, we went to Luke's apartment. People were kind of going crazy there. Gabe was there too. He's an interesting human being. He's majoring in International Studies/Russian, and he's interested in politics and world news a lot. Sometimes he tells me what happened in Korea. He's intelligent and very witty, so it's always interesting to listen to Gabe having conversation. After pre-gaming, Gabe and I went back to Marg to grab some stuff, then we took Uber to the parade. Since other people took shuttle, we couldn't find them. The parade itself wasn't that impressive, but it was a good experience. After the parade, Gabe and I went to Italian restaurant in downtown. Since Gabe is a vegetarian, there were limited places that we could go. However, that Italian restaurant was great. After having lunch, we came back to Marg.
Madness, and March
I and my sister decided to visit Chicago during spring break. It's unfortunate that we missed St. Patrick's Day event, but we traveled around the city and had fun. It's was cold in Chicago.
There was a party in Monx's apartment to celebrate Maria and Yunuen's birthdays. The theme was Middle Schooler's Dance in Space (?). I dressed up like a fuck boy in a middle school. I couldn't apply space theme with my limited clothes. I went to the Monx's apartment pretty early. Actually, I went there on time when it started, but as always, a lot of people came later to pretend like main characters thinking the party won't start until they come. If they did it on purpose to match the theme "Middle Schoolers", I did pretty good job. People started leaving because we had to stop playing music for a while. A lot of people left. A lot of people. Monx, Maria, Yunuen, Jacob, Gretchen (not sure), Brenna, Andrea, I, and a few people stayed. Ashley, Luke, and Tori came a little bit later after a lot of people left. We danced and drunk. Brenna gave me 5-7 shots of pure Vodka in one cup, and that almost killed me. There weren't a lot of people left, but we still had fun.
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Picture of Andrea, Brenna, and Jenna getting read to "have some fun" in Madeline's room.
It's Strange How Things Change
On the way back to Marg from Monx's party, Brenna, Tori, and I walked back together. On the way back, they talked about how their one of friends had hurt their feeling, and they want to stop it. It wasn't comfortable to see it. They used to be a solid friend group, but I could embrace it easily because things change. I know they'll learn from mistakes and pain, and they will be more mature than before. I felt it's cruel that's how people grow up. I believed they will figure out on their own.
Looking back right now, I feel like the whole thing about my friends is like an irony. Andrea, Brenna, and Tori became my close friends after they separated from Nick and Gillian. I think that I am not as close to them as Nick used to be, but I felt like I earned something he lost. I have never thought about coincidence of human relationship, but I felt like everything was like an accident or coincidence: Andrea became friends with them, introduced Antonio, and became a roommate of Jenna.
People sometimes go to "Adventure" when is dark. It was one of those nights. Andrea, Brenna, KB, Tori, and I went to forest park. We walked around forest park and talked. It had been a while since I had talked to them.
Andrea used to live on 2nd floor of Marg, and she somehow became friends with people in Micah then joined Micah. It's really unfortunate for her that she missed the Micah retreat. She became the roommate of Jenna on Spring 2017 semester
Brenna is my small group, but I felt like she and I became close friends that If I have introduce her, I can talk about her without mentioning that we are in the same small group. Some people might think Brenna is a careless human being, but she is thoughtful and warm-hearted. I remember that Brenna felt low (I think it was related to one guy), and I told her she's beautiful. I wanted her to know that a lot of people like her and seek them instead of people who break her heart.
Jesus Brenna
KB is also in my small group. KB always make things interesting in good ways, and she's kind of harum scarum sometimes. What I felt was that she becomes a different person when she is drunk, but I am never too worried because I believe she knows what she's doing. Now I feel we have became friends through out this year especially in second semester.
Tori is often referred as a loud human being in good ways. I think people like Tori are necessary. She always tries to make active and good mood, and she cares about people around her. It's heck a lot of effort, but some people don't realize it. A fun fact about Tori: She likes sugar cookies but hates chocolate chip cookies
On the way back to Marg, we sat down on the bridge in forest park and listened to the speech. It was speech to graduating students with background music (it was mostly drum beat tho). It was about life and how we should live like. I don't remember exactly, but it inspired me. When we got back to Marg, it was like 3 a.m..
Picture of Brenna, Tori, Andrea, and KB in the Forest Park
Picture of Brenna and Andrea licking(...) 'the Billiken'
Picture of Sam, Mary, KB, and Brenna on the baseball field bleachers[/caption]
I used to write songs with my guitar when I was in high school. I wrote about 10 songs, but none of them really impressed me. I started to write songs again in February because of Jenna. She asked for a song for her. 'Song for Jenna' was "pretty descent" in my opinion. I made couple songs more, but I didn't think they were good enough to show anyone. Then I made a really good one, so I decided to play to everyone as possible. At first, I played to Ashley, Madeline, Brenna, and Tori, and I fixed some lyrics. I created a floor event, and a lot of people came surprisingly.
"Cruel April"
Easter break wasn't that long, I decided to stay in Marg during Easter Break. Crystal, Elise, Haley (Grimes), Jon, Joseph, and I went to bowling in Moolah. There were a lot of people stayed beside me. Dana, Iris, and I went to Five Guys once, and we ran to the Arch with Daria. For Easter dinner, we went to Walmart to buy some ingredients, and we cooked some food in the lounge. Good time
Picture of Ashely, Crystal, Daria, and Dana hammocking on a sunny day
One night in April, some clever people decided to party in Marg. Under allowance of RaSara, 5th floor held a party. At that night, I didn't feel good about it. Sometime we have feeling that if we do it, we are gonna regret it. I was in the 6M lounge with some people. Andrew and Sarah (Lallky) talked about "walls" between people. Mentioning Micah Drinking Association(?), they said they felt that some people still don't like some people and that kind of stuff. I hated that kind of stuff. That "Party" started, but I didn't go down to 5M.
Andrew and Sarah came to my room, but I didn't answer because I was playing League of Legends. They said it's actually fun and I should come down. I didn't refuse, but I didn't say yes. Later, Andrea, Ashley, Brenna, Jenna, Maria, and Tori were looking for a speaker. I lent my amp and I went down to 5M as well because I wanted to hang out with them. Ashley brought her party light, so it was kind of crazy. A little bit later, some people just started leaving, and some people (6M people) felt upset about it. They went back to 6th floor, and I followed them as well, because I wanted to have fun with them. Andrea said that they should go to one of the bars around here, but some people didn't have fake IDs including me. She insisted that Ashley and Jenna should use fake IDs of Andrea and Brenna's even if they don't look alike each other at all. Andrea said that they should show that they can have fun without 5th floor people. I thought she was being really childish, and I wondered if she was sober.
Later, they decided to go to Wilderness adventure something party which Antonio was in. Antonio lives on second floor Marg, and Andrea brought him to Micah one time. He used to have long hair but not anymore. Later, we decided to join Micah and he became my roommate for my sophomore year. I couldn't decided if I should go or not, but I ended up with going there. Surprisingly, I knew some people there. It was fun time, but I felt bitter at that place.
We decided to go back to SLU, and Antonio and his friend Grace followed us. It was cold night, so I took off my jacket off and gave it to her because she didn't have one. I would have done the same thing to whoever even if that person wasn't Jenna. Grace, Antonio's friend wanted to spend time with Antonio, but he didn't recognize it. He wanted to hang out with us instead. I think Grace became upset because Antonio didn't take care of her instead he was "surrounded" by Micah girls. We decided to go to Luke's apartment, but we lost Grace on the way there. Since she had Antonio's jacket, and Antiono's and Andrea's phones were in his jacket, we had to find her. It took a while to find her, and it started to rain. I went back to Luke's apartment and later Antonio also came back, but we went back to Marg a little bit later. It was weird night. I went straight to bed. After I woke up, I felt a lot better surprisingly, so I was able to get up my mind together easily.
Picture of me, Antonio, Brenna, and Tori
Picture of Andrea, Brenna, me, and Antonio from the ice cream social in May 2017
Songs and Lyrics, and Meaning Behind Them
I have continued writing songs. Things I did with my friends over past 9 months gave me inspiration for lyrics. One time, I got coffee with Jenna again. She asked me about meaning behind lyrics. I explained what it supposed to mean, but she wasn't satisfied with my answer. She said there's gotta be someone about these songs, and she wanted me to answer specific person. A song in general may be talking about one's own story, but also it's talking about someone else's story instead in my opinion. When I used "you" in my lyrics, it doesn't necessary mean a specific person. However, Jenna didn't believe what I said. Since it was the last coffee with Jenna, I said thank you to Jenna that she has been nice to me and becoming my friend, and I talked about how I felt bad when she kept putting off talking to me. Of course, she said it wasn't intentional and apologized. I said it's now past and we gotta move on. I hoped that I would be able to wrap up all my uncomfortably mixed feelings.
View of SLU campus from the Xavier roof top
Picture of me, KB, and Jenna on the Xavier roof top
Rain in May
6th floor lounge has been a study for some people, especially engineering students. This lounge has been a special place for me. In the lounge, we talked, watched TV and movies, cooked, studied, and enjoyed college life. I decorated the lounge with some people for Christmas, and even if I'm not living in 6th floor in Sophomore year, I want to come down to the lounge to do my work as I used to do. I heard we have a little number of incoming Micahs. From what I heard, it's because the new residence hall, Grand Hall and things I don't have to or I don't want to know.
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Picture of the flowers that Emelia left in the 6M lounge after everyone left for the summer break
Ashley, her kindness and weight on her shoulders
Ashley is probably the cutest person I have ever met. Definitely, she's one of the "shinning people" in the world. One time, I was eating in Greis with some Micah people. Even though nobody likes Greis now, some people used to eat there in the beginning of the school year. Everyone was heading out, but I was still eating. Ashley didn't leave me waited until I finished even though Caroline hasted Ashley to leave. It was small kindness, but it impacted a lot about her because I didn't know her well at that time. Now Ashley is the president of Billikens For Clean Water. This organization deals with real issues related to providing clean to those who don't have an access in the nation and the world. It's true that it's time consuming, and it may be impossible to achieve their goals. Taking leader position in that kind of group is always stressful. At first, their projects were too tremendous with limited resources, knowledge, and finances for college students. However, I realized how passionate they are, and I wanted to join them to make things happen. If they succeed one of those projects, it means a lot for everything. Even if it's a small thing or small progress, they are making the world better and that's how the world become better place. She loves chicken nuggets
Picture of me and Ashley from Micah formal in May 2017
I have tried my best to be nice to people around me. However, when I become close to someone, I often forget to respect them. I often said things that may hurt their feelings. My freshman year was full of sharing, laughing, smiling, crying in joy and sorrow, and grieving. I felt what I had forgotten for a long time. At the end, I realized what made me suffer was jealousy and greed. I couldn't be satisfied even though I had many things. Friends who love me, families who respect me, colleagues who support me, brothers who watch my back, and sisters who care about me. I had a lot of things, and there wasn't a single person who was intentionally mean to me. Over 9 months, I have met new people and we became friends and "families" as we are living together. It's funny that a lot of people changed over short amount time in Micah, and it's also funny that there are some people who never changed. Every day has been a new day, and I learned new things every moment in every day. It went by really quickly, but every single day was meaningful to me. When we come back in August after Summer, a lot of things will be different again because things change because no one know the way it's going to be.
Picture of friends with Dr. Donald Stump in the ice cream social in May 2017
Picture of Elise, Mary, and KB on the top of John Cook Business School
It may not be the same when we come back. As common;y said, change will come. It's something never changes. It's funny that just rearranging floors or hallways that we will live on will have so much impact on people's relationship. It may not be the same even if we try. I hope everyone will be able to understand and embrace it. Thinking about future, I couldn't feel comfortable. After sophomore year, people move out of Marg. That's when they decide whom they will live with or even who will be remained as best friends. It's sad thing to think about it. Recently, I have thinking about transferring a lot. I learned a lot of things in SLU, and people I have met are people whom I won't forget ever. However, my life isn't for them, and their lives aren't for me either. I should do what will be good for me. I'll be okay wherever I go. I will adjust well, and I will find something I can enjoy and I can be crazy at, but I want to enjoy this moment that would be the only one in my life.
I and my friends used to do dumb things all the time. I hope even though we change, we won't lose that purity and passion.
